Chapter 1
"He is beautiful, my Countess." said the Count as he walked into her chambers. A midwife bustled out carrying a pile of dirty linens. The countess glowed as she held her newborn son out for her husband to see.
"Have you decided on a name yet?" Said the Count as he carefully looked over his new child. Although he was just a baby, his features seemed to be perfect. The Count could tell that he wouldn't have to drown this one.
"No, I was waiting for you. I thought maybe we should name him after his father." She smiled.
"No." He replied. "If he is to be in charge of this villa, he will need a strong name. Even stronger than my own. We will name him after greatest Count this villa has ever had - Parslantro."
"It's perfect." The Countess beamed.
And so began the life of young Parslantro. Born in the year 2350, he was raised by his mother and father, the Count and Countess of La Villa de Carbonara in Italy. As a child, he was taught what was right, but was not taught to correct his temper. He was given good principals, but led to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately, an only son (for the count and countess had decided that, after having such a perfect child, they did not need another one), he was spoiled by his parents, who, though good themselves, allowed, encouraged, almost taught him to be selfish and overbearing.
By the time he was of a suitable age to take over the family estate, the Viscount Parslantro de Carbonara's character seemed to be set in stone. Those of his own rank knew him to have a charming and friendly personality, while those beneath him were treated as just that. Many women dreamed of being Parslantro's wife, but Parslantro, knowing exactly how handsome, rich, and desirable he was, paid them no mind. Nothing but the deepest love could induce him to marry, and the women of 2350 cared nothing for love.
The Great LED Laser Wars of 2309 had wiped out over 900 Billion people across the the solar system, leaving very few to continue the human race. After the defeat and imprisonment of Machtar 2000, the evil Cyber-Genetic Robot who had abruptly begun the eradication of the human race while searching the Human History Database one sunny Spring morning, humans began trying to repopulate. Children, especially girls, were taught that nothing was more important than having as many children as possible. However, not wanting to repopulate the solar system with sub-par humans, the government decided that it would take control, forcing all parents to destroy any baby that was not extremely good looking by it's third week, and any child with an IQ below 145 after the age of 12. Because of this, everyone in the future was extremely intelligent and sexy. However, the women, though very good looking, seemed only interested in having rampant sex.
Though Parslantro certainly planted his seed in many a woman, he eventually grew tired of various females stuffing their panties down his pants as he walked past, rubbing their breasts on his face as he tried to eat dinner, and endlessly humping him while he tried to sleep.
One night, after falling asleep to the sound of his self-playing laser harp, he was awoken by a terrible scream. He roughly pushed Teresa Bertolli, his best friend's sister, off of him and ran through his automatic door and into the hallway. It was almost pitch black, but Parslantro could have sworn he saw something move just as he had run out. He turned his handsome, chiseled face left and right, trying to determine where the scream had come from. His eyes widened with concern as he gazed at the slightly ajar titanium sliding doors at the end of the hall - the door to his beloved parent's chamber!
He ran to the doorway, pried the doors apart with his strong, bare hands, and stepped inside. What he saw was indescribable.
The next day, the Viscount - now Count - Parslantro began the development of a time machine. He laser locked himself in his study, pouring over holographic diagrams and ebooks. Despite the numerous breasts pressed against the windows, the only person Count Parslantro would see was Fitzwilliam Bertolli, his best friend. Despite his sorrow and mourning, Parslantro always smiled a bit when Fitzwilliam was around. It was difficult not to, what with his optimistic views of life and his cute little jokes.
"Parslantro," he said one day, brushing his bubble gum pink hair out of his eyes, "perhaps, instead of using this time machine to preemptively avenge the death of your mother and father, you can use it to go back in time and find us some suitable, single women. When did you last eat, by the way?" He asked, holding out half of a roasted cockaroach and sand sandwich. Parslantro grabbed the sandwich and greedily took a large bite.
"Don't forget the vitamins..." smiled Fitzwilliam, holding out a handful of pills. Parslantro shoved the vitamins into his mouth, and after crunching loudly for a moment, he swallowed and said, "Fitzwilliam, even if there were suitable women in the past...a single one? I am in no humor at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. And besides," he continued, "I doubt that any woman, past, present, or future, could live up to my standards."
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