Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pregnant by the Italian Count from the Future

The first chapter of my newest story! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1

"He is beautiful, my Countess." said the Count as he walked into her chambers. A midwife bustled out carrying a pile of dirty linens. The countess glowed as she held her newborn son out for her husband to see. 
"Have you decided on a name yet?" Said the Count as he carefully looked over his new child. Although he was just a baby, his features seemed to be perfect. The Count could tell that he wouldn't have to drown this one.
"No, I was waiting for you. I thought maybe we should name him after his father." She smiled.
"No." He replied. "If he is to be in charge of this villa, he will need a strong name. Even stronger than my own. We will name him after greatest Count this villa has ever had - Parslantro." 
"It's perfect." The Countess beamed.

And so began the life of young Parslantro. Born in the year 2350, he was raised by his mother and father, the Count and Countess of La Villa de Carbonara in Italy. As a child, he was taught what was right, but was not taught to correct his temper. He was given good principals, but led to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately, an only son (for the count and countess had decided that, after having such a perfect child, they did not need another one), he was spoiled by his parents, who, though good themselves, allowed, encouraged, almost taught him to be selfish and overbearing. 

By the time he was of a suitable age to take over the family estate, the Viscount Parslantro de Carbonara's character seemed to be set in stone. Those of his own rank knew him to have a charming and friendly personality, while those beneath him were treated as just that. Many women dreamed of being Parslantro's wife, but Parslantro, knowing exactly how handsome, rich, and desirable he was, paid them no mind. Nothing but the deepest love could induce him to marry, and the women of 2350 cared nothing for love. 

The Great LED Laser Wars of 2309 had wiped out over 900 Billion people across the the solar system, leaving very few to continue the human race. After the defeat and imprisonment of Machtar 2000, the evil Cyber-Genetic Robot who had abruptly begun the eradication of the human race while searching the Human History Database one sunny Spring morning, humans began trying to repopulate. Children, especially girls, were taught that nothing was more important than having as many children as possible. However, not wanting to repopulate the solar system with sub-par humans, the government decided that it would take control, forcing all parents to destroy any baby that was not extremely good looking by it's third week, and any child with an IQ below 145 after the age of 12. Because of this, everyone in the future was extremely intelligent and sexy. However, the women, though very good looking, seemed only interested in having rampant sex. 

Though Parslantro certainly planted his seed in many a woman, he eventually grew tired of various females stuffing their panties down his pants as he walked past, rubbing their breasts on his face as he tried to eat dinner, and endlessly humping him while he tried to sleep. 

One night, after falling asleep to the sound of his self-playing laser harp, he was awoken by a terrible scream. He roughly pushed Teresa Bertolli, his best friend's sister, off of him and ran through his automatic door and into the hallway. It was almost pitch black, but Parslantro could have sworn he saw something move just as he had run out. He turned his handsome, chiseled face left and right, trying to determine where the scream had come from. His eyes widened with concern as he gazed at the slightly ajar titanium sliding doors at the end of the hall - the door to his beloved parent's chamber!

He ran to the doorway, pried the doors apart with his strong, bare hands, and stepped inside. What he saw was indescribable.

The next day, the Viscount - now Count - Parslantro began the development of a time machine. He laser locked himself in his study, pouring over holographic diagrams and ebooks. Despite the numerous breasts pressed against the windows, the only person Count Parslantro would see was Fitzwilliam Bertolli, his best friend. Despite his sorrow and mourning, Parslantro always smiled a bit when Fitzwilliam was around. It was difficult not to, what with his optimistic views of life and his cute little jokes.

"Parslantro," he said one day, brushing his bubble gum pink hair out of his eyes, "perhaps, instead of using this time machine to preemptively avenge the death of your mother and father, you can use it to go back in time and find us some suitable, single women. When did you last eat, by the way?" He asked, holding out half of a roasted cockaroach and sand sandwich. Parslantro grabbed the sandwich and greedily took a large bite. 

"Don't forget the vitamins..." smiled Fitzwilliam, holding out a handful of pills. Parslantro shoved the vitamins into his mouth, and after crunching loudly for a moment, he swallowed and said, "Fitzwilliam, even if there were suitable women in the past...a single one? I am in no humor at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. And besides," he continued, "I doubt that any woman, past, present, or future, could live up to my standards."

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Candy Takes a Chance, Chapter 1

Hey guys! Sorry I've been away so long. I had some severe writers block, so decided to just start on a new story. But don't worry, I'm still working on Tall Dark and Hamster, as well as another story that I'll post as soon as I finish the rough draft!

Also, I'm currently trying to revamp my blog to reflect who I am a bit more, so please excuse me if things look a little odd at the moment - This site should be looking way better soon enough!

Anyway, with no further ado......Candy Takes a Chance!

Chapter 1

      It was her first day of work. Candy was so excited about her new job at the Christian Brothers Candy Factory in Oakland California. It had been world-renowned for its confections for the last 400 years, ever since it was founded by Spanish aristocrats looking for sweets to consume between missionary work in Colonial California, back in the days when it was called "New Spain."

      Speaking of new Spain, her new boss was a true Spanishman, descended from generations of Spaniards living by the sunny west coast. His name was Chance Chavez. He had long dark hair with a premature streak of grey in it, wending its path from his scalp to his shoulder, and firey brown eyes. He was 32. He'd taken a big risk hiring Candy at his family's candy factory, since her background was mainly in veterinary medicine – a job she quit, when she realized her main function was to kill the cats and dogs she so desperately loved, for their humane euthanization – and his business was struggling to begin with. The girl had better pull her weight around here, he told himself.
      Candy had long strawberry blonde hair, today neatly tucked up in a ponytail beneath her new bonnet that she wore as part of her uniform. It was an old-style uniform that showed the age of the candy shop – a large ruff-collar, corset, and leg-o-mutton sleeves, all in pristine, virginal white. Chance was donning a black doublet and a sword and flintlock pistol as decreed by the ancient candy-shop charter, hand-scrawled in Latin on a piece of ancient parchement. It hung framed in the front window, so customers could see it.
      "Since today is your first day," said Chance in his deep tenor-saxaphone voice, "I shall give you a tour of my store!"
      "Oh, that sounds wonderful," exclaimed Candy, her eyes unconsciously wandering to his codpiece made of chocolate.
      "Come with me," he said, gesturing his manly muscled arm to have her come with him. Obediently, Candy obeyed. Together they walked into a big white-painted room,with concrete floors and wires across the ceiling. There were large machines in the room, used to manufacture the candy.
      "These machines are used to manufacture the candy," said Chance. He paused like a notion just had stricken him. "Huh. How funny. Your name is Candy, and candy is what we sell here!"
      "My full name is Candissima," Candy helpfully chirped, noticing the heat from the machines was causing the early signs of melting in Chance's codpiece.
      "Candissima. It sounds Spanish?"
      "I don't know, I think it's from a plant that attracts hummingbirds!"
      "You know," said Chance, "Hummingbirds were believed by the ancient Indians of California to be the birds of love. Thank St. Jerome we good Catholic Spaniards beat that heathen bullshit out of them all and then killed them!"
      Candy giggled. "Maybe it's fate that I came to work in your candy store!"
 "Yes. Fate... do you... believe in fate?"

      "I do."
      Chance took a small comfort in the notion that perhaps, just perhaps, Candy was meant to work here. "This is the syrup-shooter" he said, pointing to a device that shot jets of hot liquid over chocolate bases. "And this here," he said while indicating a different machine, "is the chocolate making machine."
      "Oooh," Candy said, delighted by the smell which arose from the gears.
      "And this is the nut mixer. And this here is our taffy machine – we've been making taffy here at Christian Brothers since before it was even invented!"
      "Yes! See, it all happened when some monks at one of the old missions was boiling honey to make meade and cooked it for too long, so it got all hard and then he tried to squeeze it to wring the remaining liquid out."
      "Oh, I would love to try that," said Candy, imagining the wringing, and the liquid squeezing motion in her hands, and how good it felt to squeeze out that sweetness.
      "He wrung it and wrung it, and soon he made the sweetest toffee ever known to man."
      "Someday," said Candy, breathless, "I will have to try it."
      "Indeed," said Chance. "I encourage my employees to sample the candy here to familiarize themselves with our unique confections. Try some of the toffee."
      Candy took a piece of the taffy from the machine and crunched it loudly in her teeth. "It is good," she said. But, in her heart, she knew she could never be satisfied by this. No, never by this alone.
      "Too bad my customers don't think so. My sales have been on the decline ever since I took charge of this business! I should hate to see this factory, in my family for 400 years, be lost! Lost!"
      "Don't worry," said Candy with a grin, "With my help, we'll be back on our feet in no time!"
      "Yes – I enjoy the company of women who have minds of their own and can think independantly, so please don't hesitate to tell me any new ideas you might have for how to run my business!"
      "Yay!" said Candy. She could tell this was the job of her dreams. Perhaps she had made the right decision to come here.
      "Now excuse me," said Chance, "But my codpiece seems to have melted. I will go get a replacement. Feel free to wander around unsupervised – afterall, this is to be your job from now on!"
      Candy screamed in delight and, waving her arms like a child, began to run back and forth around the production room floor. After about twenty minutes she grew bored with this, and decided to invstigate the rest of the building.
      There was a long, straight corridor made of brick and adobe. She decided to enter it, even though she was not totally sure it was even part of the Christian Brothers Candy property.
      At the end of the hall was a small office marked with the word OFFICE on the door in an Elizabethian font. A sigh of relief escaped her lips on entering, for she could tell by the manly decor and photographs that this was Chance's office. Photographs of him on vacations and with large torpedo sandwiches covered all the walls. He was out of his work uniform in the pictures, instead dressed casually in a speedo and Prada men's sandals. Candy couldn't help but think his figure much better flattered without the large yellow-starched ruff collar she'd always seen him in before.
      Suddenly something caught her eye – a picture of Chance with a beautiful woman in his arms. A pang of jealousy shot through Candy's heart – But why? – and she imagined tackling the woman to the floor, ripping her intestines from her abdomen and running them through the syrup shooter to be filled with scalding liquid as they were still attached and full of feeling, and the pretty woman would just scream, and scream, and scream...
      "What are you thinking about?" said that handsome throat of Chance's.
      "Oh, holy fuck, you scared me!!!" cried Candy. "I was thinking of murdering this skanky whore in the photos with you!"
      Chance laughed. "Ha ha. That girl is my sister."
      "Oh," said Candy as she calmed some. She could see Chance had a new codpiece, and she remarked on it.
      "Ah, yes. It's troublesome, these codpieces of chocolate, but the ancient charter demands a strict dress-code, and this includes the 'bragueta del cocoa.'"
      "So you have a sister?" asked Candy, trying to steer the chat away from Chance's crotch.

      "She is dead."
      "Oh!" Now Candy felt embarrassed for bringing up such a surely-painful memory into Chance's head.
      "It is a fact, and, in tribute to her – I have sworn I shall never have another family, like having kids or getting married or those things. But nevermind, nevermind that! Let us tour further this confectionary place, and I shall show you how to operate the cash register."
      Candy attempted to walk beside Chance, but the combined width of their collars could not bypass the narrow hall. And she considered his words about family with unease.